Making Marriage Work, Part 1

(This is part 1 of a 5-part series on making marriage work)

It had been Joans first counselling session with me, however it didnt take long before the tears began to stream down her lips. Im married to the guy of my fantasies, but miserable, she stated, reaching a hand up to wipe away her tears. We were so in love and things are falling apart. We are fighting and distant a lot of the time. I love Justin and I dont ever want to lose him, but I dont even know exactly what to do. I dont know why this is happening. I appear to be getting angrier and angrier and he is currently becoming more and more .

What are you mad about? I asked.

Justin keeps pulling away from me. Hes working longer and longer hours. But he appears to be distant. Hes playing computer games either watching TV, or in the garage working in his workshop. Much more shut down, While I attempt to converse with him. We cant speak at all.

Much like Justin and Joan couples are stuck in a dysfunctional dating system, wondering exactly what happened to passion and the love they had in the start of their relationship.

Two fears may be endangering your relationship

Fear of rejection: the loss of anothers love via physical withdrawal, judgment, emotional withdrawal, anger, or death.

Fear of engulfment: that the loss of self through being commanded invaded, suffocated, swallowed up by demands, and commanded.

You will respond defensively whenever they are triggered until all these fears are treated. After his fears of engulfment were triggered while Justin withdrew joan responded if her fears of rejection were activated by becoming mad. You might respond in manners that are defensive that are different, however, the outcome is going to be the same – your behavior coming from the fears of rejection or engulfment will activate your spouses fears of rejection or engulfment. Now both of you are acting from fear. Collectively you’ve generated a dangerous distance where love and intimacy will slowly erode.

Most of us have not learned to remain open when our fears of being rejected, abandoned, engulfed, or controlled are all triggered. You perpetuate the problems if, whenever these fears are activated, you concentrate on who started it or who is responsible. Blaming your spouse for your own responsive, as well as for your fears, unloving behavior, makes the relationship feel unsafe.

You both end up feeling each. You feel energized, helpless, trapped, and disconnected from the spouse. You desperately want your spouse to find out what he or she’s doing that (you think) is causing the pain. You believe that if this is only understood by your spouse, she or he will change – and you exhaust yourself trying to determine how to MAKE your spouse understand.

Over time, fire dries up. Superficiality, boredom, fighting, and apathy take its position.

The double worries of LOSING THE OTHER throughout rejection and LOSING YOURSELF through being swallowed up by the other are the cause of , responsive behavior that is unloving. These fears are rooted. They cannot be cured or conquer by GETTING somebody elses love. On the contrary, these fears must treat before you’re able to SHARE love – receive and give love – together with your spouse.

The key to doing so is learning how to create a safe space where you are able to work with and conquer the fears of rejection and engulfment. In this series, I will show you a effective procedure you can use to make and keep the internal safety you need to become strong enough to appreciate.

Only once you’ve achieved internal strength can and inner safety you create a safe relationship space. Joan discovered to stop assaulting Justin and take loving care of herself her fears of rejection surfaced. She learned to create safety when she felt threatened rather than attempting to convince Justin to make her feel protected from her fears.

You can accomplish this too. In reality, any two individuals who will willingly learn to create their own internal sense of safety can learn to create a safe relationship space in their own intimacy and fire will flourish and also their love will endure. The remaining content in this series can direct you.