Relationship Deal-breakers

In the 37 years I have been counseling couples, I’ve found that there are just a few issues that are relationship deal-breakers that were authentic. Lots of the issues that tear relationships apart aren’t deal-breakers that are real. Instead, many divorces and breakups would be the consequence of both spouses unwillingness to learn from the conflicts which exist in all key relationships. But some conflicts and differences are deal-breakers that are real.

HAVING CHILDREN

Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with Mary and Cal. When Mary was 38 Cal and mary fulfilled and Cal had been 47. Cal had two children, while Mary hadn’t been married and had been married. Cal made it clear to Mary that he did not, under any circumstances, want more children. Once they were married mary appeared to take this, but secretly hoped to alter Cals mind.

A year after they were married, Mary brought up the issue of having children. Cal was appalled. He felt trapped, angry and betrayed by Marys expectation, in addition to by her own dishonesty. Mary begged and pleaded, hoping Cals love for his place could enhance. But he remained committed to his decision not to have any more children.

This scenario has a rather sad ending. Mary was devastated. She adored Cal, but having children was extremely important to her. She didnt need to leave him she couldnt let go of wanting a kid. Her immune system was eventually eroded by the strain of the situation and that she died of ovarian cancer years after bringing the baby issue up.

I learned a great deal from Cals encounter and also Mary. I discovered the baby issue is really a deal-breaker. It is not healthy for someone who wants a baby to give up that, and it is not healthy for a person who does not need a baby to cooperate with getting one. This issue needs to be handled head-on, early in a relationship, until individuals move with union and commitment.

WORK

Rhonda and Fred fell in love within their 30s. Each had occupations that were very significant to them and they adored. Fred had been that the vice-president of a company that is massive, while Rhonda had a booming practice as a pediatrician. They both lived in Los Angeles. Until an chance opened that he had always wanted, all looked fine. The problem was it meant moving into New York. Freds work turned into a deal-breaker.

Some individuals can commute and maintain a relationship, because they just wanted to have children but this was not sensible for Fred and Rhonda. They realized that if both of them gave up the job they loved, they would feel resentful. They had no option but to end the relationship. Although they adored each other , they realized their relationship would erode if one of them gave up themselves.

BETRAYAL

Dishonesty and infidelity can be deal-breakers, depending on the situation. While others that the wound is too heavy to repair, some individuals can learn from and grow through these conditions.

Hal and mandy were in their 50s when they met and fell in love. Both were unhappy long-term unions.

When he was young, But, Hal had married. He had spent his entire life working hard to support his wife and children. He had never had an chance to do some of those things he needed to do for example travel on his own or explore connections with different women. Mandy was adored by him but he believed trapped. He wanted his freedom.

Consequently he started to pull off from Mandy, that was quite painful. They obtained counseling to try and reconcile the situation. Mandy was willing for Hal to leave and travel for fourteen days, but Hal was unwilling to leave Mandy. Mandy hadn’t expected a man in his 50s to need to sow wild oats.

Then Mandy found out that Hal had slept with another woman. His yanking away was bad enough, but his demeanor proved to be a deal-breaker. Mandy ended their relationship she found the affair. She told Hal that she loved him but could not continue this way. She left the door open by telling him if he got his wanderlust from his system, she’d look at trying again.

Dishonesty about money can be quite a deal-breaker, such as finding out your partner is currently earning money or through some other operation that is prohibited.

When both people are eager to learn most conflicts conflicts which are really about control and communication issues can be resolved. But some conflicts are authentic deal-breakers.